Domestic Violence!

I couldn’t find the right words to start this post. Just some time ago, a friend shared an incident he was a witness to while at the hospital. A women had come in for dressing and her husband was asking about the medicines from the nurse that his wife needed. Nothing wrong here. Looks absolutely normal. But when the time comes to leave, his wife is reluctant to go. Scared, with tears in her eyes, might also have been shivering. She eyes him, with something in her stare that many would not have noticed or taken the time to notice. At first glance, everything looks normal, but is it?

No. Because when my friend enquired from the nurse, she said something that would make any normal person’s blood boil! The women had confided in the nurse that she had had a fight with her husband and in his rage, he had taken up the scissors and attacked her, consequently injuring her ear! And after that, he had the audacity to brush it off by saying that she had fallen down.

Of course, she went back home with him. But she was scared, I know she was. Every moment that she spends with him, she is going to be in fear. Afraid of what he would do the next time she tried to say anything not in tune with his thoughts.

This is not a lone incident of abuse or domestic violence. We’ve all seen or heard about such things in our day to day life. It happens everywhere, to everyone, irrespective of race, caste, creed or colour. Some of the incidents are not even reported. Also, it’s not something that happens only with women. Yes, many men are also victims of violence, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

Being in a relationship, living with someone we decide to share our life with, how can we be so easy going about hurting the other person to such an extent that instills fear in them? Why is it so easy for people to channel their anger or resentment towards someone by being violent? How is this ever justified? And why are we, as a society, not ready to take steps to eradicate such cases of violence? I wonder why the nurse didn’t inform somebody or call the police when the women told her what had happened. Okay, the women might have gone back on her word. But there could have been other ways too for her to show the man that this wasn’t acceptable. I am also not going to sympathize with the women. Because what’s the point? Anything that happens with her next will be because she allowed herself be taken back, showing him that no matter what, she’ll be there with him, in the same house, the very same room and he can go on treating her like a thing to use, the way he wants. The fact that many women who are victims of domestic violence almost always return back to the perpetrator of the violence is something very disturbing. How do you help someone who’s not ready to make an effort to help themselves?

But here’s the twist: It’s never easy getting out of an abusive relationship.

Usually when we see someone who’s stuck with an abuser, the first question that comes to our mind is “why did she stay?”. The answer to this question can be easily understood through this talk titled “Why domestic violence victims don’t leave” by Leslie Morgan At TEDx. It can be seen on the following link:

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en&utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

Morgan shares her own story of abuse and violence. She explains how it’s never easy for a victim to get out of an abusive relationship, how the hope of things getting better, or the old memories or even love and affection of the past can hold you down. The abuser might even create such situations where the victim might not even feel or realise that what they’re facing is abuse.

Despite what had happened, I was sure we were going to live happily ever after, because I loved him, and he loved me so much. And he was very, very sorry.

The fact is, it’s important to recognise the pattern of abuse. It’s important to understand that if your partner hits you once, he might hit you again. No matter how much he apologies, no matter how much trust and faith you might have on them, it’s necessary that you put your foot down the first time such a thing happens and make it clear that violence or abuse is absolutely not acceptable. When in a relationship, one is not inferior or superior to the other. Being together is about realising the fact that you’re both equal, and if one of you is considerate and compassionate towards the other, the same has to be reciprocated.

Along with this, it’s equally important to never remain silent when you or someone else around you faces abuse. Being silent, you provide the perpetrator leverage to continue doing what they’re best at: muting voices behind closed doors!

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Nothing better than giving up!

Do you know what’s hard?

Going on. Getting up after you’ve fallen down, taking that first step forward. Sometimes, when life get’s tough, the easy way out would be to stop, never moving, never trying anymore. It’ll not cause you any pain, there would be no heartbreak to look forward to. Therefore, you won’t have any hopes or expectations of a better tomorrow. But getting up, willing yourself to dream of a new life, one that’s better than the life you’re living today is always hard. It’s painful to go on, it hurts to hope again when all that you’ve faced are failures. The sacrifices you make, the pain that you go through, the broken dreams, all of these can never be faced again. Going through it all is enough for once. There’s no need to move forward, right? It’ll be better to stay down, to never get up, to never hope of a future that’s different.

Ever seen a candle? What does it do? It only melts away, sacrificing itself for lightening the path of so many. It only wastes away for leading someone else. Maybe it ought to have been a little selfish, saved itself from the pain of being lighted again, should have gotten a little stubborn and not burnt again. Wouldn’t that be easy? Not having to go through the pain of burning for someone else. Then it could peacefully stay still, doing nothing, staying away from all harm, leading a quiet life.

But do you know what’s harder?

The regret that follows. The regret of having stayed at the same place for years. For not having tried, for not having moved ahead, for not having a little hope. How do you justify when your heart questions, “What if you had tried a little more? What if things had turned out to be different the next time you got up? What if you missed out on the good times that you could have had just because you didn’t get up after falling down? What if what you always dreamt for was just in sight, waiting for you to make an effort and reach out?” This is what’s harder than moving on. The endless list of what ifs“.

Life’s not meant to be at a single point. It’s about moving on. The candle that burns away gives light to all, that’s what it is meant for. That’s the purpose for its existence. Even when the wind blows it off, it lights again. All it needs is a little more effort. Same is with us. The difficulties that we face, the pain that we go through, can get us down. But staying low, never getting up, afraid of the pain to return is not what we are here for. Life demands that one get’s up, with a new hope, a new strength to move on, to make a new effort. Only then can we leave behind a life that’s different than the one we were leading earlier. Only then, can we make our lives better. Consequently, only then, can we grow!

What goes on in a man’s mind?

We’ve all heard the saying, men are from Mars and women from Venus! This statement is based on the fact that men and women are basically different. The difference is not only gender based, but also in the way their minds work. I being a women/ lady, will not be deciphering the mind of my gender, but that of the opposite sex!

  • First things first, all men are not alike! They don’t think the same thing. Yup, you read that right! If you have had the mis-fortune of meeting a man who’s a creep and has only one thing (guess what?) on his mind when meeting a girl, you might feel that the very next man you meet might be the same. Well, that’s not really true. Okay, even if you meet three or four men back to back with the same thing on their mind (you’ve guessed it, right?), that does not mean that the next one will be craving it too!
  • In-built protectors! Yup, okay, again this might not involve the whole lot of them, but majority of the men out there, if with a girl or a women by their side, will instantly turn into ninja mode if they detect any danger lurking nearby. Their minds just work that way, they want to show you that you’ll be safe with them no matter what! They might also be doing this to charm you, ladies! 😎
  • All men, and remember ALL (no exceptions here) are scared of women drivers. They are all of the same opinion that women can’t drive. 🙄 See how all the jokes about bad driving are made on women. Because a man made them, and all men enjoy hearing them!

  • Men are not multi-functional. They’ll only be able to focus on one thing at a time. Give them a lot of things to do together and BAM! You’ll find your house turned to rubble!
  • They love saving money! Love saving money, so won’t buy unnecessary things! Also, unlike us, they’ll not buy things depending on their cuteness quotient.

  • Men never disclose how they feel! They are not all made of stone or tough or cold. They’ll have lots of things going on in their minds, yet won’t show you their soft side. They’ll never get weak or cry! Let’s just say that they are better at hiding their emotions.
  • They can never remember dates! Be it birthdays, anniversaries, special events, you can be sure that they’ll forget it soon enough.
  • Are never jealous if see another man wearing the same clothes. Probably might go and compliment the other on his fashion sense.
  • Love spending time with their friends (without their girlfriends/wives). Most do, others are just scared to annoy their better half or bring on her darker side! 😄

Having said this, let’s also not forget that Men go out of their way to make their families happy and look after their every need. They won’t show it, but feel things on a deeper level. But definitely, are an entirely different breed!

How the memories haunt me!

As I sit staring at the wall today, the urge to get up and go on with the day’s work gets more and more feeble. I feel like there’s no strength left in me, like the muscles of my body have gone numb, I seem to have lost the sensation of blood flowing through my veins. The weight of hope, aspirations, dreams crush me down, and I cannot will myself to fight the weight anymore.

As I sit here, lost in the days bygone of happy thoughts, I feel the memories haunt me much more than they would have otherwise done. It feels like all the wounds of that wonderful past that were once healed have open up again, and the memories do nothing to soothe them. The wounds feel raw and fresh, arising in me the urge to plunge back to that past, so different from this present, the urge gets stronger, so much so, that it threatens to pull me deeper into the black abyss of nothingness.

As I sit here, alone, I have no desire to speak, to see, to feel. All I do is listen, listen to the voices around me. Dimmer at first, they grow louder, their frequency increasing. I can hear the birds chirping outside, the vibration in the clouds caused by airplanes flying by, the sound of the honk of a car before making a blind turn, the voices of children laughing and playing, the footsteps of someone climbing the stairs, vehicles passing by, the hooting of pigeons on a tree, a man peddling on his cart selling fruits. I can hear each sound distinctly, yet they hold no meaning for me, they give me no hope, no desire.

Today, I have lost my Hope again. As I sit here, away from the realm of the world, I feel close to the memories that would drown me. It feels as if a curtain has fallen, separating me from the now to the then. The present feels lost, bygone, without hope, a stranger. It’s the past that holds me, that raises in me a current so strong that I feel will flow me away, there’s nothing to stop the flow, pictures flashing by, making me relish the time I’ve lost, taking away the one’s that can never return. And in them I find hope, in them I see the strength that I feel has left me, it’s as if they are pushing me forward, making me stronger, taking hold of my life, giving me the meaning to go on, making me realise that my work is not yet over, making the blood flow back into my feeble body, returning the strength of my muscles, sending down sensation through my spine, and suddenly my head hurts, I can feel my arms, numbness flowing away, and the urge to get up and move about is so sudden that it hurts, the ache in my body grows, and as I get up from my feeble stupor, I realise that my time is not yet up!

The memories of the past, the crushed dreams, the lost hope will forever be there, but to let them take control of my life, of my body will only diminsh my today. I feel fresh, as if reawakened, like a phoenix reborn.